BEST CHRISTMAS LIGHTS IN MAITLAND

Wyrst Pentacostal Church has the very best Christmas lights in all of Maitland. They will be on from dusk to dawn every day from now till Christmas in the Marty Sparkes Memorial Car Park at the rear of the main auditorium.  (Marty died from an unfortunate electrical accident putting up last year's lights.) Bring the kiddies along and enjoy the awesomeness. This years lights are automated to Pastor Dale K Whangke's entire 2012 sermons that are broadcast through the loudspeakers. The lights blink on and off every time Pastor Dale says "Be blessed!" How awesome is that! Lights and Pastor Dale's awesome sermons for only $20 per child. A special Christmas discount of an awesome 2% is available for all triple tithers and families with 6 children or more.

CHRISTIAN CODPIECE PRESENT FOR THE HEAD OF THE HOUSE THIS CHRISTMAS

We have a new item for sale at our Biblestore - the Christian Codpiece. An awesome Christmas present for the head of the house this year. Available in a range of sizes and a low cost of a mere $49.95. For an extra $24.95 you can have the codpiece embroided with an appropriate bible verse about size: Ezekiel 23:20 "For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses."

Remember Ephesians 5:23 "the husband is head of the wife". This will be the central bible verse of Pastor Dale K Whangke's sermon this week. Pastor Dale will be wearing the codpiece that his wife Elsie D gave him last Christmas.  It is a XXXL size.

Sunday Exclusive - The Extinction Of The Dinosaurs Through Homosexuality

This Sunday Pastor D. Ork will be delivering a special sermoan on his Word from the Lord on how the dinosaurs became exitinct. Pastor Ork has a PhD in Creationism from True Christian University, Texas and is a world wide speaker and expert on gay and lesbian dinosaurs.  His books, dvds, postcards, cds, keyrings, pens, t-shirts, ties and suspenders will be available at our Biblestore for an awesome 1% discount for all triple tithe paying members of Wyrst Pentacostal Church. Buy a dozen pack of any item and get another awesome 0.5% discount!

Interactive Toy For Pastor Dale K Whangke's Next Sermoan

Pastor Dale is urging all church members to buy the Crucify Christ Kit at our Biblestore. Pastor Dale is about to launch a new series of sermoans on the crucifixion of Jesus.  You will be able to re-enact each gory detail of the crufixion with your Crucify Christ Kit. Fun for all the family! It may be reused over and over again. If your kiddies are naughty and mightily sin at home then take out Jesus and hammer another stake into him to demonstrate what they have just done to Jesus. Another awesome minastry from Wyrst Pentacostal Church.

CREATIONISM: The Blind Faith Magazine now on sale

CREATIONISM: The Blind Faith Magazine is now on sale at our Biblestore. Triple Tithers get an awesome 1% discount. Buy a dozen and get an extra 0.666 % discount!  This is Pastor Dale K Whangke's favourite magazine and he has kindly offered to autograph a copy for you for an added $19.95.

Pastor Dale K Whangke wins Best Pastor Award

Our own Pastor Dale K Whangke has won the Best Pastor Award for the 20th year in a row! Pastor Dale would like to thank all those in minastry positions in our church who took the Lord's advice and voted for him rather than seeking minastry in some other church.

New Greeter at Church Door

Due to the Carbon Tax all services at Wyst Pentacostal Church will become much more expensive to run. As a result the Lord told us that we should lay off all the members we had previously anointed and hired as Greeters and replace them with the knob above which is now a part of the Minastry Team.  The knob senses each person and greets them with a "Hallelujah! Be blessed! Remember the Lord loves a cheerful giver. Your tithes are due now." followed by a short rendition of Handel's Hallelujah Chorus.

Deacons are reminded that the batteries powering our new greeting need to be changed for each service.

Greeters have been given other minastries such as Lawn Mowing, Dusting, Painting and Gardening.

Another awesome minastry of Wyrst Pentacostal Church.

Join Our Youth Group & Play Basketball For Free!

Join The Wyrst Youth Group and play basketball for free for a full 10 minutes for every 3 hour Wyrst Youth Group bible study attended! 

Another awesome minastry of Wyrst Pentacostal Church.

* Basketball not provided. Access limited to after 10:00pm Monday - Thursday. No lights provided.

Pastor Dale's sermoan this Sunday - Intelligent Design

This Sunday Pastor Dale K Whangke will be giving proof that Intelligent Design is true by the argument above and selected bible verses.  This sermoan was inspired by Pastor Dale's wife Elsie D and her daily nose cleaning. Pastor Dale describes this proof as a revelation from the Lord stating " If the Lord had designed Elsie's fingers a centimetre fatter then it would not be possible." All attendees will get a free pass to the Wyrst Ceation Museum provided that they are accompanied by a evilutionist who pays the standard entry fee of  $39.95.  Another awsome minastry from Wyrst Pentecostal Church.

Remember to add Jesus as your friend on Facebook

All members of Wyrst Pentacostal Church are required to add Jesus as their Facebook friend and give Jesus the passwords to their Facebook page so Jesus can check that only the Lord's approved areas have been visited and only approved subjects and bible verses posted. Those who shun the Lord will have their access to the Lord's Holy Anointed Lounge Area at church refused, be restricted to the Babes In The Lord Remedial Area and be fined a quadriple tithe for every day the Lord is shunned.

"Hush Woman"- Pastor Dale's Sunday Sermoan

Pastor Dale K Whangke will be giving another awesome sermoan this Sunday from God's inerrant Word - the Bible.  Pastor Dale will use his extensive knowledge of the Word to prove that women should remain silent in church because they are only a spare rib.  Everyone knows that ribs don't talk. All women have inherited the punishment of silence from Eve who was deceived by the talking snake in the Garden. Everyone also knows that the Lord is male and therefore females are inferior to males. Tape for women's mouths is available free at our Biblestore if any triple tithe paying husband requires it for his wife's mouth.

"Enduring Freedom" Jesus Christ action doll now available in our Biblestore

Be the first one on your block to get this awesome action figure. Triple tithe members of Wyrst Pentacostal Church get an awesome 1% discount on every dozen dolls purchased.

Wyrst Men's Shed paints slums in Maitland

Wyrst Pentacostal Church donated 3 cans of paint from it's multimillion dollar budget to enable Wyst Men's Shed, Maitland, to paint three roofs of slums in Maitland.  Members of Wyrst Men's Shed played an important part in painting the three roofs seen on the right side of the photo (two red and one green).

"We have been very proud to have been called by Right wing multimillionaire Maitland businessman Horace Goosen to help out and be a part of this project", Teddy Bogmann, manager and work enforcer of Wyrst Men's Shed said. "Up to seven of our geriatric men have been working here about one hour a week when they felt like it. It looks nice and pretty even though all the roofs still leak. But, what the hell, they're only poor pagans that don't attend our church."

If you would like to be a member of Wyrst Men's Shed, Maitland, a valuable minastry of Wyrst Pentacostal Church, then contact our church office during business hours. All members must be prepared to engage in woodwork and metalwork for a minimum 40 hours a week without pay, with toilet and lunch breaks limited to a total of 10 minutes a day.

Another awesome minastry of Wyst Pentacostal Church!

New Financial Controller on Minastry Team

Please welcome our new Financial Controller Pastor Mickey Burns. Pastor Mickey has a long history in gaining maximum profits.  Members of Wyrst Pentacostal Church are reminded that tithing of 10% of their gross wage (or Social Security benefit) is only the minimum mandated by the Wyrst Minastry Team in order to be a full member of our anointed church.  Triple tithers get far more benefits such as an awesome 1 % discount on all items in our Biblestore.

Many members have noticed that Pastor Mickey looks a lot like our own anointed Pastor Dale K Whangke and that is because they are distant cousins.  Pastor Dale and Pastor Mickey used to enjoy outings together as children and often got driven through the slums by their uncle in his Porsche.  However the lines on Pastor Mickey's forehead are from age and the huge line on Pastor Dale's forehead is from his frontal lobotomy.

*[ Pastor Dale here. Dear editor, please remove that reference to my frontal lobotomy from the article before it is published. Oh, and by the way, the Minastry Team have decided to demote you to Toilet Cleaner (with appropriate pay cut) starting immediately. One of the kiddies in Wyrst Christian School has had a bad case of diarrhoea and it needs urgent attendance as the walls, floors and celing of the classroom are apparently splattered. Make sure you fix it up before close of work today.

Be blessed

Pastor Dale K Whangke on behalf of the Minastry Team]

Special message from our Assistant Pastor Gardener

Special turf has been laid in the environs of the Wyrst Crystal Method Cathedral entrance and we ask our church members not to walk on the grass.

Buy your Bible Gun at our Biblestore

Wyrst Biblestore has a selection of bibles for kiddies and grown ups who like to pretend to shoot people instead of using their bible swords. Only available in God's Word - the King James Version. Triple tithers get an awesome 1% discount on every purchase over a dozen. Comes with built in sound effects that say encouraging Christian phrases such as "Die, you heathen scum!" and "See you in hell, you pagan!"  Quote Psalm 137:9 and get an awesome 1% discount and free bible bullets.

Annoying Fig Trees Removed

Finally the annoying fig trees that surrounded Wyrst Pentacostal Church's Wedding Chapel have been removed and replaced by beautiful pavers and concrete. The figs were a danger and could have toppled over and scratched the marble surface of the chapel. The birds chirping in the fig trees also interupted Pastor Dale's anointed sermoans and prayers.  Full story in this weekend's Waitland Muckery - found immediately after Part 486 on the series about Les Darcy and the '55 flood.

Pastor Dale's New Pets Part Of Ministry Team

As you all know Pastor Dale's Pente Polly has been in and out of Rehab and subject many excorcisms as a result of her being tutored in unsavoury four-letter words by the very people Pastor Dale was witnessing to. Her vocabulary included "Get f****ed you c*** sucking mother f*****! Hey, s*** for brains, pull your head out of your a****! What the f**** would Jesus do? I'll f****** 'expletive deleted' you ,you c*** ! F*** off!" and a variety of other obscenities. Unfortnately Pastor Dale had no choice except to commit her to a Parrot Prison far away from church.

As a result Pastor Dale has bought two new pets more suited to the church environment.

Pastor Dale's goldfish, Adolf, can't talk and swims around in circles in it's bowl.

Pastor Dale's dog, Dick, also can't talk but can chase things such as balls and pussies.  Dick can also do tricks such as dance on your leg.

Be sure to greet Adolf and Dick when you go to Pastor Dale's mansion for counsilling. They are both part of the Ministry Team having been appointed Assistant Pastors.