Pastor Ron Devon speaks to Christian Business Community

Pastor Ron Devon , ex-banker, ex-financer and ex-CEO of the failed Become a Billionaire Real Quick empire has converted and become anointed to preach for the Lord in his new Become a Christian Billionaire Real Quick For Jesus empire. At the recent Christian Businessman's Breakfast Communion Service held at Wyrst Pentacostal Church Pastor Ron gave his testimony and spoke about making money for the Lord and avoiding detection by those evil secular humanist regulators. Those interested in this profitable minastry can sign up for his 3 day seminar which will be held in August. For a mere $39,579.35 per day you could be earning billions through the secrets of success that Pastor Ron will give you. Book at the Church Office. 1% discount available with the coupon from this weekend's Waitland Muckery.

Pente Polly in Rehab

Pente Polly, Pastor Dale K Whangke's pet parrot, has been admitted to rehab. It can now be revealed that the parrot was tutored in unsavoury four-letter words by the very people Pastor Dale has been witnessing to. Whereas Pente Polly used to greet people entering Pastor Dale's mansion with "Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Glory to God! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!" she changed her vocabulary to "Get f****ed you c*** sucking mother f*****! Hey, s*** for brains, pull your head out of your a****! What the f**** would Jesus do? I'll f****** 'expletive deleted' you ,you c*** ! F*** off!" and a variety of other obscenities. Pente Polly was also fed a variety of drugs and alcohol and quickly became a drug addict and alcoholic. "We had no choice but to place Pente Polly into our Rehab & Excorcism Centre. She recently began dive-bombing parishioners and pooping on their heads," said Pastor Dale. A special Excorcism & Prayer Meeting for Pente Polly will be held next Thursday in the church auditorium by the Rehab & Excorcism Centre Ministry Team. Members who are attending are required to wear the Christian Protective Suit of Armour available at our Church Biblestore for $399.25.

Land Tycoon Donates Statue To Bible Theme Park

Maitland's famous land tycoon, Gilted Hugeone, has donated a marble statue of David for the Wyrst Pentacostal Church Theme Park. Mr Hugeone originally had the statue in the ballroom of his 36 room mansion but but has had to move it due to its clashing with the Sun King decor of his property. "The statue was modelled on my features and reflects my overindulgence of French cuisine and business lunches", he stated. "It was paid for by investments handed to me in brown paper bags by Canned-Doodoo promoters. I'm certainly not going to place it in Cessnock which doesn't value my wonderful idea of paving the Hunter Valley in concrete from the shore to the mountains!" The statue will be unveiled in the central area of our theme park this Sunday. Full story in this weekend's Waitland Muckery.

Swine Flu Prevention

We are fortune that we have Creationist Doctor Karen Razee on our Minastry Team working hard to ensure that our members do not get Swine Flu. Dr K. Razee has placed warning signs in key areas of our properties urging people to flee the Swine Flu while quoting Bible Verses which she says is the best preventative measure possible. "God will protect you from this plague ... unless you have sinned!" she added.

Dr K. Razee said that one must be aware of the Swine Flu symptoms as it affects True Christians differently to the unsaved.

Please make sure that you post these symptoms on your fridge for quick reference. Swine Flu may cause you to look like the following diseased pagan if left untreated by a qualified Creationist Doctor ....

If you sin and thereby get the Swine Flu please ensure that:

1. You stay away from all Wyrst Pentacostal Church staff and properties for at least 6 months after secular humanist doctors say you are "cured".

2. Pay your tithes by electronic transfer of funds during this time of affliction by your plague.

When you resume contact with Wyrst Pentacostal Church after the 6 month exclusion period you must ring the approved Swine Flu Bell (available at our Biblestore) and call out "Unclean!" at 30 second intervals so that other members are warned about your condition. This must continue for another 6 months just to be on the safe side. These restrictions will only be lifted after 12 months if you can produce a Doctor's Certificate from one of our approved Creationist Doctors.

Come Back To Church Weekend

Next weekend Wyrst Pentacostal Church will be holding a Come Back To Church Weekend with free* barbecued meals after each service. All meals are started with petrol from The Wyrst Petrol Station in the church's car park.

All the steaks come from Pastor Dale Whangke's prize herd of bulls and are processed at our Soylent Green Factory. Yummy!

We are hoping that our 10 000 seat auditorium will be overflowing at all the services over the weekend. Members who bring a person back to the Lord on the weekend will receive a month's free subscription to the Waitland Muckery with all of its awesome 10 pages jammed pack with local news and lots of ads ... and photos of Bob Gaggin, manager of Shit and Drip Real Estate (proud sponsor of Maitland Gangofarts).

*(Meals are free subject to person rejoining Wyrst Pentacostal Church and signing contract to triple tithe for the next 10 years or longer.)

Creationist Seminar with Pastor Jack Schitt

Our Biblestore has the famous creationist writer Pastor Jack Schitt personally signing his new creationist book all next week and appearing on our local Christian TV. Pastor Jack will also be holding a Creationist Seminar in July at Wyrst Pentacostal Church. Book to attend this awesome minastry before the end of this month and get a 100 pack of Pator Jack's creationist witnessing tracts free!

Unemployment Rate Drops

You've probably noticed that there are less unemployed people in Maitland these days. That's because Wyrst Pentacostal Church has been uysing them in its newest minastry - the Soylent Green Factory situated at Metford. Pastor Dale Whangke said that the factory had previously been used for making sweets but now it is used for reducing unemployment. The factory's motto says it all "The only food product made by, of and for the people."

The product is green, reduces unemployment and is nutritious and therefore suitable for poorer families in the current global finacial crisis. A 10% discount is available with the coupon from this weekend's Waitland Muckery.

Christian Unit For Rent

Our Housing Minastry Manager. Michelle Wong, has a beautiful unit to rent to a needy true Christian. It has intimate views of Steamfest, Maitland's famous train festival. The unit is handy to Maitland train station and would suit a true Christian train buff. If you would like to live in this train lover's paradise phone Michelle at our Church Office.

Christian Flea Circus Grand Opening

Wyrst Pentacostal Church opened its Christian Flea Circus this week under the huge Whangke Big Top Tent. Pastor Casey Burns is the anointed Christian Flea Trainer and is proud to have this minastry available for Maitland every day of the week. Pastor Casey has had a lifelong relationship with fleas and has taught them many tricks to delight the kiddies. Included in the show is the "Hallelujah Chorus" where fleas bite the arm of an audience member to spell out John 3:16 - thus the person is scratching and praising the Lord at the same time!

Pastor Casey is looking for more fleas and will gladly collect them from your house, pets or self for a small Flea Fee of $76.95. Please contact the Church Office.