Maitland's famous land tycoon, Gilted Hugeone, has donated a marble statue of David for the Wyrst Pentacostal Church Theme Park. Mr Hugeone originally had the statue in the ballroom of his 36 room mansion but but has had to move it due to its clashing with the Sun King decor of his property. "The statue was modelled on my features and reflects my overindulgence of French cuisine and business lunches", he stated. "It was paid for by investments handed to me in brown paper bags by Canned-Doodoo promoters. I'm certainly not going to place it in Cessnock which doesn't value my wonderful idea of paving the Hunter Valley in concrete from the shore to the mountains!" The statue will be unveiled in the central area of our theme park this Sunday. Full story in this weekend's Waitland Muckery.
Thursday
Land Tycoon Donates Statue To Bible Theme Park
Maitland's famous land tycoon, Gilted Hugeone, has donated a marble statue of David for the Wyrst Pentacostal Church Theme Park. Mr Hugeone originally had the statue in the ballroom of his 36 room mansion but but has had to move it due to its clashing with the Sun King decor of his property. "The statue was modelled on my features and reflects my overindulgence of French cuisine and business lunches", he stated. "It was paid for by investments handed to me in brown paper bags by Canned-Doodoo promoters. I'm certainly not going to place it in Cessnock which doesn't value my wonderful idea of paving the Hunter Valley in concrete from the shore to the mountains!" The statue will be unveiled in the central area of our theme park this Sunday. Full story in this weekend's Waitland Muckery.
Monday
Swine Flu Prevention
We are fortune that we have Creationist Doctor Karen Razee on our Minastry Team working hard to ensure that our members do not get Swine Flu. Dr K. Razee has placed warning signs in key areas of our properties urging people to flee the Swine Flu while quoting Bible Verses which she says is the best preventative measure possible. "God will protect you from this plague ... unless you have sinned!" she added.
Dr K. Razee said that one must be aware of the Swine Flu symptoms as it affects True Christians differently to the unsaved.
If you sin and thereby get the Swine Flu please ensure that:
1. You stay away from all Wyrst Pentacostal Church staff and properties for at least 6 months after secular humanist doctors say you are "cured".
2. Pay your tithes by electronic transfer of funds during this time of affliction by your plague.
When you resume contact with Wyrst Pentacostal Church after the 6 month exclusion period you must ring the approved Swine Flu Bell (available at our Biblestore) and call out "Unclean!" at 30 second intervals so that other members are warned about your condition. This must continue for another 6 months just to be on the safe side. These restrictions will only be lifted after 12 months if you can produce a Doctor's Certificate from one of our approved Creationist Doctors.
Sunday
Come Back To Church Weekend
Next weekend Wyrst Pentacostal Church will be holding a Come Back To Church Weekend with free* barbecued meals after each service. All meals are started with petrol from The Wyrst Petrol Station in the church's car park.
All the steaks come from Pastor Dale Whangke's prize herd of bulls and are processed at our Soylent Green Factory. Yummy!
We are hoping that our 10 000 seat auditorium will be overflowing at all the services over the weekend. Members who bring a person back to the Lord on the weekend will receive a month's free subscription to the Waitland Muckery with all of its awesome 10 pages jammed pack with local news and lots of ads ... and photos of Bob Gaggin, manager of Shit and Drip Real Estate (proud sponsor of Maitland Gangofarts).*(Meals are free subject to person rejoining Wyrst Pentacostal Church and signing contract to triple tithe for the next 10 years or longer.)
Creationist Seminar with Pastor Jack Schitt
Our Biblestore has the famous creationist writer Pastor Jack Schitt personally signing his new creationist book all next week and appearing on our local Christian TV. Pastor Jack will also be holding a Creationist Seminar in July at Wyrst Pentacostal Church. Book to attend this awesome minastry before the end of this month and get a 100 pack of Pator Jack's creationist witnessing tracts free!
Saturday
Unemployment Rate Drops
You've probably noticed that there are less unemployed people in Maitland these days. That's because Wyrst Pentacostal Church has been uysing them in its newest minastry - the Soylent Green Factory situated at Metford. Pastor Dale Whangke said that the factory had previously been used for making sweets but now it is used for reducing unemployment. The factory's motto says it all "The only food product made by, of and for the people."
The product is green, reduces unemployment and is nutritious and therefore suitable for poorer families in the current global finacial crisis. A 10% discount is available with the coupon from this weekend's Waitland Muckery.
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