Our own Pastor Elsie McManus will be playing her anointed awesome songs in a minastry to women at our Women's Seminar on 4th July. Be sure to book your seat at our Biblestore and get a massive 1% discount for triple tithing. The first 10 customers will get a free year's subscription to sister Elsie's awesome magazine "The Women's Monthly".
The above four employees of Wyrst Pentacostal Church will leaving for missionary work at Disneyland, USA. They have spent years in ministry in our Chrildren's Church and will be sadly missed. Full story in this weekend's Waitland Muckery.
Our new Security guard is Noddy Smith. Please make him feel welcome as you enter the Wyrst Pentacostal Church complex. Noddy was formerly employed by a mattress factory. He and his wife, Gloria, are triple tithe paying members of our church.
Pastor Dale's brand new throne will be commissioned next Sunday. You can also have a photo taken of your child on Pastor Dale's knee after the service for $50. A wonderful Christmas gift that your child will values forever! Please note that the thrones are only for use by Wyrst Pentacostal Church pastors and approved visiting clergy.
The Origami Christmas tree ball is now available in our Biblestore to decorate your Christmas tree. At a mere $4.95 it is great value and all the funds raised by sales go to help the deprived and needy in the Finance Department at Wyrst Pentacostal Church whose bonuses have been cut from the usual $20 000 to a mere $19 000. They have also had to lay-off the chauffers of their Bentleys over the Christmas season.
2010 will be here soon if the Lord does not return beforehand. Send your child to Wyrst Christian School which is an approved minastry of Wyrst Pentacostal Church.
The major benefit of sending your child to Wyrst Christian School is that ALL media is censored by our Grand Inquisitor Pastor Steve Black. Naughty words such as:We have a Godly curriculum that features:
- singing of Jesus Jingles
- witnessing to pagans and secular humanists
- A Bible verse quoted before the start of every lesson
- Creation Science For Dummies
- Revised Fundamentalist History Of The World Since Its Creation In 7 Literal Days in 4004 BC.
Our School Principal Gary S. Nivler is a graduate from Wyrst Teacher's College with a Doctorate in Jesus Jingles and Finger Puppets. He is Pastor Dale K Whangke's favourite nephew.
Our new Youth Service features a light show and raps by Pastor Poop Dog DJ. Invite your friends and recieve 1% off next week's tithes!
Wyrst Pentacostal Church opened its Christian Flea Circus this week under the huge Whangke Big Top Tent. Pastor Casey Burns is the anointed Christian Flea Trainer and is proud to have this minastry available for Maitland every day of the week. Pastor Casey has had a lifelong relationship with fleas and has taught them many tricks to delight the kiddies. Included in the show is the "Hallelujah Chorus" where fleas bite the arm of an audience member to spell out John 3:16 - thus the person is scratching and praising the Lord at the same time!
Some church member has been trying to rob the Lord of his tithe by using the fake money pictured below. Ther Lord is not impressed and will weed out this sinner and impose a triple tithe fine on him. Security camera footage is being viewed by the Wyrst Security Guards & Tithe Protectors today in an effort to identify the sinner.
The dedicated case workers at Wysrt Pentacostal Church Unemployed Dole Bludger Centre are trained to get the best outcomes in employment anywhere in Australia. Above, Tommy "Toecutter" Trimbole is encouraging a new client to get a job immediately - or else.
Wyrst Pentacostal Church Christian Clown Skool has operated for many years as a vital minastry to the population of Maitland. Its huge clown sign is clearly visible towering over the local Council Chambers.
It is set amongst our specially landscaped Clown Theme Park where kiddies love to amuse themselves for a small entrance fee of $25.
Pastor George Dubya is the Senior Clown Pastor in training all our clowns. His extensive past minastry in the USA and Iraq is an awesome bonus for our church.
One of the great things about being a Christian clown is that you can wear your make-up all day long and always appear happy as though the joy of the Lord is oozing out from you 24/7.
Attending Wyrst Pentacostal Church Clown Skool is also a good option for kiddies who have been homeskooled and play a banjo. They can finally think that they are doing something worthwhile after being rejected from other educational institutions.
ATTENTION CHURCH MEMBERS: Suport our Clown Minastry by buying our pork luncheon meat at our deli in the church Superstore and Minastry Centre.
THIS WEEK'S FEATURED APPLICANT: Our Church member, Bob Burns, who is trying to pay off his tithes and is 6 months in arrears with 45% interest charged daily for all tithes not paid within a month. Bob is willing to work in any menial job and is desparate to find a job by next Sunday's Sermoan. 