Wyrst Publishing Company 300% increase in sales!!!!

Our own church's "Wyrst Publishing Company" has had a 300% increase in sales over the last month!!!! The "Hallelujah Herald" is now 6th place in Maitland's most requested local newspaper. Thank you to all church members who devote their unpaid time to producing and selling our newspaper. Wyrst Pentacostal Church would also like to thank our sponsors Shady Deals, Maitland Right-Wing Fascist Party and our own Pastor Dale's "The Lord's Property, Investment and Laundry Empire". This week's feature in the "Hallelujah Herald" is "Will the economic downturn affect the giving of tithes?" where Pastor Dale gives a stunning answer from the Lord that church members should step out in faith and triple tithe as times get worse.

Wyrst Caravan Park

If you need a holiday in these tough economic times then you can rent a caravan at Wyrst Caravan Park on the church grounds. The day begins with a Jesus Jingle broadcast over the loudspeakers in every caravan at 6:00 am. We then have a vast compulsory schedule of bible study, prayer meetings, creationist seminars, volunteer work, sermoans, church cleaning, "Testimony Time", tithe collection and devotions ... and then a serenade of the Top Forty Jesus Jingles until lights out a 10:00pm. Happy campers are also rostered to help prepare and cook the porridge, soups, stews and mashed potatoes for meals. Special discounts for families with more than 6 kiddies using the same caravan. This is another approved minastry of Wyrst Pentacostal Church.

Kids Klubb & Christian School at Maitland Hospital

A group of kiddies from our "Kids Klubb" & "Christian School" went to Maitland Hospital this weekend to spread God's love to all the unwashed heathens who are sick because they have sinned. This is another awesome minastry that needs your support.

Urgent Message For Deacons

Deacons are advised that they are not to permit any horses to be left unattended on the church grounds. Four horesmen have apparently left their horses unattended on the church grounds over the past week and have fertilised parts of the grounds which should not be fertilised. It is suspected that the four horsemen are undercover mounted police trying to investigate "The Lord's Property, Investment and Laundry Empire" operated by our Pastor Dale K. Whangke. Deacons are advised to tell these undercover police that Pastor is not available for comment or a stay in their cells. An artist's sketch of the horsemen is featured below. Be alert! Do not let them anywhere near our pastor!!!

FAV BIBLE

Our Biblestore as recieved a brand new container of the FAV Bible. The Fundamentalist Authorised Version Bible (FAV Bible) is jam packed with awesome pictures to help in reading "God's word".

It will show you how to correctly praise Jesus.


It has pictures of Adam and Eve playing with their pet dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden.

It shows you how to get INSTANT DIVINE GUIDANCE by closing your eyes, randomly opening the bible and placing your finger on a page. This is a technique used by our own Pastor Dale K. Whangke who adds that it might take a few tries before you get the exact answer that you want.The FAV Bible also gives the correct intepretation of bible verses such as "bring all tithes into the storehouse" explaining that it REALLY means bringing 10% of your gross wage to the church that you are a member of on a weekly basis. (This of course does not exempt TRUE Christians from also giving extra offerings, love gifts and donations of cash to their church as well as volunteering for work on the pastors house and gardens and attending all church services, bible studies, prayer meetings, mens / womens / teens groups and seminars offered by your church.)

It also has coupons in the back which can be used to purchase a free Big Muck Burger with fries at our drive through "After Church Fellowship Fast Food Ball & Chain" *[Offer only available to those who have brought unsaved people to the Lord in the last week and have purchases in the last week at our Biblestore of over $264.].

"The Fundamentalist Woman" Seminar

Pastor Becky Woosta will be holding a seminar entitled "The Fundamentalist Woman" for all the ladies in our church who want to be properly submitted to their husbands. It will also help in the training of daughters to be submissive wives. Tea and lamingtons will be served after the seminar. Book early for this awesome minastry!

Pastor Dale's New Sermoan Series

Pastor Dale's New Sermoan Series on the Rapture is now available on dvd at our Biblestore. Pastore Dale has recently returned from his missionary journey to Rapture Ready World Headquarters in Alabama, USA with a brief stop over at Disneyland and Los Vegas where he ministered to the unsaved heathens.

The first 50 people who order the 10 disc set will get a free poster autographed by Jesus.

2.75% discount with the coupon in next week's Waitland Muckery.

NEW BIBLE EVIDENCE PROVES MATTHEW CORRECT!

For years non-believers have scoffered at Matthew 27:53-54 which says that when Jesus died, "the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints" arose but they stayed in their graves until Jesus rose from the dead, when they began to walk around, appearing to many in Jerusalem. Now Dr Barry Basil, PhD (Creationism) has conclusive evidence that it really did happen from photographs he took on a recent missionary journey to the Middle East and Greek Isles. He will be a holding a seminar next month in the "Darwin Is A Monkey Hall" next to our Creationist Science Museum. Bookings are essential and a love offering will be taken for Dr Barry's new missionary journey and creationist fact finding trek to New York, Paris and London.

Thieves steal Pastor Dale's gnomes!!!!

In another crime that has rocked the Maitland community despicable thieves have kidnapped all of Pastor Dale K. Whangke's gnomes and are demanding a huge sum for their safe return.

Police say that the gnomes are being held in a Guantanamo Bay type terrorist facility. They are caged 24 hours a day and being tortured by the playing of secular humanist rock music.

They believe some gnomes have been seriously injured after a ransom note was sent to Wyrst Pentacostal Church Office showing a gnome who had tried to escape. If you have any information please call Crimetoppers.

Full story in tomorrow's Waitland Muckery!