New Year's Eve Fireworks

As usual, Wyrst Pentacostal Church in Maitland has spared no expense in this New Year's Eve Fireworks minastry to be held on our church grounds. Pastor Cecil de Mullet will be spelling out John 3:16 with a series of two dozen sparklers. At the stroke of midnight Pastor Dale K Whangke will begin his first sermoan of 2012. Fun for all the family.  Bring along an unsaved friend.  This is Maitland's very best fireworks for New Year's Eve.

Wyrst Pentacostal Church's Christmas Lights

Wyrst Pentacostal Church's Christmas Lights may be viewed all this week till Christmas Day. Free admission. Free "Keep Christ in Christmas for Christ's Sake" gospel tracts. Fun for all the family.  Another awesome minastry to Maitland from Wyrst Pentacostal Church.

Buy Wyrst Pentacostal Church's Communion Wine For This Christmas

Ever wondered what you have been drinking for wine at the Lord's Supper? Here it is! Our communion wine, Purple Death, is avalable at our Holy Spirit Liquor Outlet this week only at a special Christmas  cheer price of $27 (being 3 cubed and thus spiritual).  Ho ho ho! A free evangelical tract, "Keep Christ in Christmas for Christ's sake", is provided with every purchase. A special 1% discount is available for all triple tithers presenting with a digital edition of this weekend's Waitland Muckery.

Wyrst Pentacostal Church Nativity Scene In Maitland Mall

Wyrst Pentacostal Church has a new minastry with an awesome nativity scene in Maitland Mall. It may be our last as the mall may be open to traffic next year and Pastor Dale doesn't want baby Jesus run over by a truck. Baby Jesus now has a guard dog after the dreadful scene last year where thugs dragged baby Jesus from his manger and crucified him on a telegraph pole. Baby Jesus has also had holes his hands and feet fixed with spack filler. Full story in this weekend's Waitland Muckery.

Come to our church and get a 10% discount

Offer only available this Sunday.  Bring your heathen pagan friends along so that Pastor Dale can convert them with his sermoan entitled "You're Going To Burn In Hell Unless You Like Our Loving Lord Jesus".   A special love offering will be taken up to pay for the discount vouchers.

Security Alert

Please report all suspicious behaviour near our church grounds to our staff or security guards. In particular be alert for:
- secular humanists
- liberal Christians
- not true Christians
- Muslims
- homersexuals
- evilooshunists
- journalists
- Satan
- nontithers

The only way to protect our church from evil and the dark side is to be suspicious of anyone who is not a full tithe paying member.

Meet the pastors of our neighbouring church this Monday

Meet the Dumases at our Monday Night Praise & Glory Meeting. They will be speaking about their recent creationist archeological dig to find:
- The Garden of Eden
- the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
- talking snake bones
- the tree of life
- the angel and sword guarding the tree of life.

Serve the Lord and win a prize!

Pastor Dale's Sunday Sermoan.

Next Sunday I will be reminding the congregation at Wyrst Pentacostal Church that we should not cease being vigilant against the works of Satan that still plague our nation.  It is not enough to be waging a crusade against Islam, homersexuals, rock music and evilutionists.  One must also fight against Commies who are about to invade Australia, our Land of the Holy Spirit, due to the Dominoe Effect. I'll be providing proof that a Crusade Against Commies is still valid for these last days.

Be blessed!

Pastor Dale K Whangke. (Chairman, Crusade Against Commies)

Phool's Gold Exchange

As a shareholder, Pastor Dale K Whangke approves of this anointed minastry.

Maitland Millionaire's Chapel

Wyrst Pentacostal Church's exclusive Maitland Millionaire's Chapel continues to be a thriving minastry. If you would like to join this exclusive minastry and have the required financial standing and willingness to give to the Lord's work then contact our Pastor Dale K Whangke who will organise a business lunch banquet to discuss your proposal.

Trust your Pastor Dale K Whangke

You can trust your Pastor Dale K Whangke with any private information at all because he is a pastor.  You can tell him anything about your sins and other private details. Pastor Dale is especially interested in hearing details about sins of lust, sins of gossip in your diary and sins of naughty passwords for financial institutions. All information will be kept in accordance with Wyrst Pentacostal Church's Privacy Agreement. * [Terms and conditions apply.]

Divine Organsiation Chart

Members of Wyrst Pentacostal Church should also note the next most anointed people under that chart, in order of importance and closeness to the Lord, are:
1 - Our anointed Pastor Dale K Whangke
2 - Pastor Dale's hand-picked elders, bodyguards and handmaidens
3 - Those in specially appointed minastries of Wyrst Pentacostal Church
4 - Triple tithe paying members of Wyrst Pentacostal Church
5 - The ordinary members of Wyrst Pentacostal Church
6 - All other Christians who are really not true Christians but merely nominal Christians because they don't belong to our church.

Pastor Dale K Whangke - Visiting preacher at Forest Hills Evangelical Free Church

Our own Pastor Dale will be ministering in the Sunday Morning Service at Forest Hills Evangelical Free Church this week with another anointed sermoan personally given to him by the Lord. He also hopes to collect some donations for his annual missionary journey to the Greek Isles and gambling dens of iniquity in Los Vegas. Remember that the Lord loves a cheerful giver and a triple tither.

Warning Message for Christian Teens

Pastor Dale K Whangke's Guide To Heavy Metal Satan Fingers

Pastor Dale K Whangke gave an awesome sermoan this Sunday on the demonic meaning of Satan's Fingers.  Patsor Dale has a new book and dvd series on exorcism of the heavy metal demon available at our Biblestore. Get you copy before they sell out.

Wyrst Christian Take-Away Employee of the Month

Bible personally autographed by Jesus

We have a limited range of bibles that have been personally autographed by Jesus available at our Biblestore.  For a small extra fee Jesus will also highlight all his favourite verses for you and give you an invite to his Facebook page where you can find out about his newest books, dvds, cds and seminars.  Triple Tithers get an awesome 1% disount on all products.

Message from the Lord

Wyrst Pentacostal Christian School Teacher Sacked For Pornography!

Wyrst Pentacostal Christian School Teacher Max Doot has been immediately fired as a result of pornography being found in his student's exam papers.  Chairman of Wyrst Pentacostal Christian School, Steve Meow C Tung, stated that such an horrendous offence deserved the punishment that has been given. Max Doot was suspended without pay and thrown out of Wyrst Pentacostal Christian Church in disgrace. All members of our church are warned to stay away from him.

PLEASE DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN READ THE FOLLOWING DISGUSTING FILTH FOUND IN THE EXAM PAPERS .........

Christian Band "Cain and Abel" at Youth Service

The Christian Band "Cain and Abel" will be minastering at our Youth Service next Sunday night. Abel has just been released from hospital after falling down a flight of stairs for the sixth time this year. Cain said that his brother was rather clumsy but the Lord loves him anyway.  A Love Offerng for Abel's hospital expenses and a prayer for the deliverance of his malignant demon of clumsiness plus a testimony from Cain on how the Lord loves him the best will be part of the service.  All welcome. 1% discount on entry fee for all triple tithers.

Slave Wanted

WANTED: MALE AND FEMALE FUNDAMENTALIST GENTILE SLAVES

1. Wyrst Pentacostal Church wishes to purchase two Fundamentalist Gentiles as personal slaves (one woman, one man) for Pastor Dale K Whangke ... just like in the Bible.

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Leviticus 25:44-46
"Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids. Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you, which they begat in your land: and they shall be your possession. And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inheritthem for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever: but over your brethren the children of Israel, ye shall not rule one over another with rigour."
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2. The male Fundamentalist Gentile Slave will be circumcised for free (if not done already).
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Genesis 17:13 "He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant."Genesis 17:27 "And all the men of his house, born in the house, and bought with money of the stranger, were circumcised with him."
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3. The female Fundamentalist Gentile Slave must not be not married or engaged as Pastor Dale K Whangke wants to use her for his own sexual pleasure. (Though if an engaged female is all that can be acquire we are prepared to pay the trespass offering, let her be killed and get another female. )
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Leviticus 19:20-22 "And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free. And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the Lord, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, even a ram for a trespass offering. And the priest shall make an atonement for him with the ram of the trespass offering before the Lord for his sin which he hath done: and the sin which he hath done shall be forgiven him."
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4. Fundamentalist Gentile Slaves will not be subject to reselling.
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Exodus 21:8 "If she please not her master, who hath betrothed her to himself, then shall he let her be redeemed: to sell her unto a strange nation he shall have no power, seeing he hath dealt deceitfully with her. And if he have betrothed her unto his son, he shall deal with her after themanner of daughters. If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish. And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money."
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5. Wysrt Pentacostal Church is willing to accept as a Fundamentalist Gentile Slave a debtor (or his / her children) who cannot pay back creditors.
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II Kings 4:1 "Now there cried a certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets unto Elisha, saying, Thy servant my husband is dead; and thou knowest that thy servant did fear the Lord: and the creditor is come to take unto him my two sons to be bondmen."
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6. Fundamentalist Gentile Slaves may, themselves, own slaves.
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2 Samuel 9:10: "...Now Ziba [Saul's slave] had fifteen sons and twenty servants."
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7. Fundamentalist Gentile Slaves may have the Sabbath [Saturday] off but work 14 / 6 otherwise.
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Exodus 20:10 "But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates."
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8. If a suitable female Fundamentalist Gentile Slave is not found soon Wyrst Pentacostal Church may have to invade another country to obtain a female Fundamentalist Gentile Slave for free. We will let the invaded country keep the female's children, cattle and everything else to show that we are true Christians who are only following what "God's Word" says that we are allowed to do.
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Deuteronomy 20:14 "But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself"
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Our buying price for each Fundamentalist Gentile Slave is $1.99 (Aus)
All offers considered.
Please send photo, personal details (age, vital statistics, proof of being a Fundamentalist true Christian Gentile, proof of being a virgin) attached to your reply to this post.

Enrol your child in our university

Fundy University is an awesome anointed place of minastry where your child will learn in a fully supervised environment:
- Ceationism
- Detection of those who are not true Christians
- Demonolgy
- Adherence to a 100% accurate Bible
- Musicology (choruses and their demonic counterpart in rock music)
- Preparation for minastry
- How to have a personal relationship with Jesus

Make sure that you enrol today for 2011 and include your booking fee of $299.50.

Special thank you to Madge Browne

Thank you to Madge Browne whose pot brownies were awesome and led to an anointing that we have never yet seen at Wyrst Pentacostal Church at our social on Saturday. We spoke in tongues for hours. We have no idea how Madge cooked these in a pot but they tasted great. We are looking forward to her contribution to the Wyrst Pentacostal Church Cookbook which will available as a free pdf in time for Christmas.

Pastor Elsie McManus at Women's Meeting

Our own Pastor Elsie McManus will be playing her anointed awesome songs in a minastry to women at our Women's Seminar on 4th July. Be sure to book your seat at our Biblestore and get a massive 1% discount for triple tithing. The first 10 customers will get a free year's subscription to sister Elsie's awesome magazine "The Women's Monthly".

Christian School Library Cleaned

A special thank you to librarian Lyn Bogge for censoring all the naughty bits out of books in our Christian School library. There are now no photos of, or positive references to, sex, evolution, liberal theology, Harry Potter, rock music, abstract art, bible contradictions, pagans, new agers, atheists, agnostics, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Jews, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, skepticism, biology, astronomy, geology, cosmology, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, Barbie, SpongeBob Squarepants, fantasy, comics, Renaissance nudes, dinosaurs, fossils, Satan, demons, kissing. petting animals, the internet, the mark of the beast, barcodes, the International monetary fund, the Illuminati, Obama, Julia Gillard, the Labor Party, left-handedness, gays, Fred and Barney having a gay time, gun control, witches, fairies, smurfs, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, contemporary biblical scholarship, Facebook, Twitter, Google, etc. What an awesome anointed minastry!

Important Reminder from the Lord

Our New Church Office

Our Church Office has been redesigned and renamed to reflect the anointing upon Wyrst Pentacostal Church and its pastor Dale K Whangke. Please ensure you make a booking to see the Church Secretary and pay the appropriate booking fee in advance.

Error In Calculating The Time of the Rapture

There was an unfortunate computer error made when calculating the time of the Rapture. Our creationist mathematicians are now recalculating the revisded time and the Minastry Team will let you know of the new date at a later time.

Public Announcement

As the Rapture is occuring on 21st May 2011 all Church Services at Wyrst Pentacostal Church have been cancelled after that date but tithes are still due right up until that time. We have just 6 days to evangelise Maitland, the City of Excitement, with the good news that Jesus is coming back to kill all the nonChristians. A Welcoming Committee has been formed and all members of Wyrst Pentacostal Church are required to attend our Rapture Service in the Holy Ghost Outdoor Arena beginning at 5 minutes to midnight on Friday. Please come suitably dressed to fly through the sky with Jesus. We will have a huge ad in the Waitland Muckery on Monday 23rd May 2011 explaining why we have all vanished and how the rest of Australia got left behind.

Testimony Guardian

This awesome application is now available at our Biblestore in Jesus' name. All triple tithers get a 1% discount.

Ordination of Pastor Peter Pecker

Last Sunday Pastor Peter Pecker was ordained into the minastry. Paster Peter is now one of the ruling class. One of his first duties at Wyrst Pentacostal Church will be giving a special Seminar on Friday on "How To Pray For Parking Spaces Effectively". There will be a special practical application on Saturday morning at Greenhills shopping centre, Maitland. Book now to make sure you reserve your space in this awesome seminar in the name of Jesus.

New Christian Book

The above book and cd are available for purchase from our Biblestore. This is a favourite of our pastor Dale K Whangke. All triple tithers get a 1% discount.

Pastor Dale's New Limousine

Pastor Dale has a new limousine to drive around visiting pastors when they come to Maitland, the City of Excitement. This is a very special anointed minastry of Wyrst Pentacostal Church which advertises Jesus to the heathens inj our city

True Christian Gospel Group This Saturday

This true Christian group- will be playing at out Youth Service this Saturday night. Tickets available at our Biblestore starting at $99.99 for the cheaper seats.

OUR CHURCH STRUCTURE

Wyrst Pentacostal Men's Shed Expo

Wyrst Pentacostal Men's Shed is holding an Expo in the garage of Pastor Dale K Whangke's Maitland mansion this weekend. The Shed has around 900 members who participate in playing with tools. Work Enforcer Georgie Boyd said the shed was a great help in keeping undesirable pensioner gang members off the streets of Maitland. “They aren't allowed to come in and sponge and have a free cup of coffee and idle talk. They must work with the high quality tools that we lend them and their walking stick weapons must be checked in at the door,” he said.

The activities at Wyrst Pentacostal Men's Shed are funded by million dollar government grants. All the tools are hooked up to an electrical cattle fence when not in use so that the criminal elements in the retired population don't steal the tools.

Rapture Suit

Buy your Rapture Suit at our Biblestore. One size fits all. Be ready for May 21st when Jesus will come flying through the sky like Superman to take us to heaven. 1% discount with the voucher in the Waitland Muckery.

Remember: The world ends on May 21st this year

Make Jesus a friend on Facebook

Why we have no women pastors

WELCOME TO OUR WTF MARCH CHURCH SERVICES

Wyrst Pentacostal Church is having a WTF month featuring:

- Worship

- Teaching

- Friends *

Join our WTF services and be blessed.

*[ Friendship only applies to those who agree 100% with Wyrst Pentacostal Church dogmas.]

Wyrst Pentacostal Church supports Counsillor Ray Fairweather

Wyrst Pentacostal Church supports Maitland Counsillor Ray Fairweather in opening up traffic to Maitland Mall as reported in the Waitland Muckery. Counsillor Ray Fairweather brought us the wonderful psychedelic clock tower in East Maitland which so many people are talking about - though one should dismiss their talk about it being an ugly eye-sore that makes people vomit every time they see it.

Since the majority of stores are closed on a weekend in Maitland Mall it is the sensible thing to do. You can enjoy sightseeing the places of historic interest in Maitland Mall - the closed stores and those which are for sale and lease - in the comfort of your car as you pass from Maitland Mall to Greenhills where the shops are open.

You can also view the only excitement in Maitland "The City of Excitement" as depicted in the photos above all from the protection of your car safe from the numerous pensioner gangs that roam Maitland Mall beating up people with their walking sticks and trying to run over decent people in their walking frames.

Wyrst Pentacostal Church supports the law and order platform of this ex-Warden of Maitland Jail. Maitland needs to become a gated community for Liberal Party voting white Anglo-Saxon Christians who can't be bothered with artsy fartsy material and want everyone to return to the good old 1950s.

Bible toilet paper

Now you can wipe yourself with the word of the Lord with our new product - Bible toilet paper.  Make sure you read each verse before you use it to wipe your naughty parts. This made from recycled Waitland Muckery newspapers. As usual there is a 1% discount for all triple tithers at Wyrst Pentacostal Church.

Australia Day less hot than hell

This Australia Day will be the hottest in 31 years. Hell will be hotter for humanistic pagan sinners like you. You can escape hell by paying your tithes, offerings and love gifts to Wyrst Pentacostal Church. If you pay triple tithes to Wyrst Pentacostal Church you also get awesome discounts at our Biblestore. Remember, the Lord loves you if you are a true Christian like Wyrst Pentacostal Church members and not a pretend one or a humanistic pagan sinner.

Remember to join us for the LAST Australia Day ever!

As members of Wyrst Pentacostal Church are aware of, Jesus will be coming back on 21st May 2011 to kill everyone who does not believe in him. This Australia Day will be the very last one ever. A special minastry of our church has been annointed by the Lord to provide the very best last Australia Day. See details below and add in the Waitland Muckery.

God smites heathens with floods

It is obvious that the heathen are being smitten by God through floods in Australia. Pastor Dale K Whangke will be delivering a sermoan this weekend on "God Loves You - Drown, You Pagan Scum: The Lessons of Noah" this weekend. A special love offering will be take to reinforce the levee banks surrounding Wyrst Pentacostal Church.