Pastor Dale's Missionary Journey Fund

Pastor Dale K Whangke will again go on his annual Missionary Journey to convert the heathen in London, New York and Paris. Despite the global economic crisis members of Wyrst Pentacostal Church are urged to give generously to Pastor Dale's Missionary Journey Fund as the Lord loveth a cheerful giver. The $10,5000,000 target for this year's Missionary Journey has yet to be reached by the time Pastor Dale's private jet takes off at the end of this month. Pastor Dale will send an autographed postcard from each of the three cities to anyone who donates $100,000 or more.

Sermoan: TRINITY EXPLAINED by Pastor Dale K Whangke

The trinity is easy to explain. Jesus is God and there are three parts to God but it's still the one God. The picture above is sort of what God is like - Jesus with three faces. Now I know the Bible which is God's Word says that Jesus sits at God's right hand side and that Jesus and God send the Holy Spirit to us therefore the above picture isn't totally correct all the time - only when God appears altogether as the one person. Most of the time God probably looks more like the following picture.

God and the Holy Spirit look like Jesus but there are not really Jesus. Jesus is seated at God's right hand side and looks like his Dad ... and of, course, those lovely angels are all around them ... and under their feet. They aren't treading on the angels. The angels are holding them up so that they don't fall throgh the clouds and clobber someone. You can tell which part of God is God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit because of their supergod costumes that show their insignias. When you see someone with a shining golden trinagular halo then you know it's God.

These wonderful rminders of the holy trinity are avaiable as wall sized posters from our Biblestore. Get a 2% discount with the coupon from this week's Waitland Muckery.

Be blessed!

Pastor Dale K Whangke

New Youth Service

Our new Youth Service features a light show and raps by Pastor Poop Dog DJ. Invite your friends and recieve 1% off next week's tithes!

Agreement with Sister Church overseas!

Agreement has been made for mutual benefit between Wyrst Pentacostal Church and a similar church overseas, the People's Temple, run by Pastor Jim Jones to become "Sister Churches".

Pastor Jim has a whole town named after him and is helping Pastor Dale K Whangke with moves to change the name of Maitland to "Whangke Land" in honour of our Pastor Dale.
Though now quite small Pastor Jim's church used to be a large church like Wyrst Pentacostal Church until a tragic accident. We are sure that Pastor Jim will again grow his church to a substantial size just like us.

Pastor Jim has given us enough red cordial to serve to every member in appreciation of our help! Thjis minastry is brought to you FREE from Pastor Jim's church. Be blessed!

Annual Bonfire Night & FREE POSTER

Wyrst Pentacostal Church will again host its Annual Bonfire Night next Staurday at 7:30pm in the church grounds. It has been such an awesome success over the past decades and last year five fire trucks were called in to contain the huge blaze caused!Each year thousands of secular humanist books are brought to the bonfire to be burnt and entertain the kiddies. Remember that all books must be presented to the Wyrst Firemen who first excorcise the demons from the books and then stack the books, and dose them with petrol before igniting them. This is another valuable minastry of Wyrst Pentacostal Church.

This year the above FREE POSTER is available to every member of Wyrst Pentacostal Church who subscribes to the Waitland Muckery.

Sculptor donates prize winning piece

Colin Eale, scupltor from Maitland, has donated the above life-like statue to decorate the telegraph pole in front of our church premises. Colin won the "Hicksville Societyofartists Memorial Prize 2009" which was awarded by Maitland arts patron and dementia sufferer Casey Burns.

Special Christian Action Figures for the kiddies

Now your kiddies can play with Judah the Christian soldier in his quest to convert the Skeptic. Watch Judah convert the Skeptic with the Four Spiritual Laws after Judah the Christian Soldier threatens to chop his pagan head off if he wants to continue being a secular humanist. Both action figures talk with phrases like:

Judah the Christian Soldier: "Turneth or burneth, thou heathen!"

Skeptic: "Okay, I accept Jesus into my heart."

Skeptic comes with a fake plastic copy of Darwin's "Origin of the Species" whereas Judah the Christian Soldier has a free real KJV Bible!

Now available at our Biblestore. Get 1% with the coupon from this week's Waitland Muckery.

Why the barbed wire around our sanctuary?

Some members have asked why we have erected barbed wire fences around our sanctuary. It is isn't to keep our members inside as a secular humanist wrote in this week's Letters To The Editor in the Waitland Muckery. No! It is to protect our sanctuary from terrorists. One can never be too vigilant. It is obvious that our multi-billion dollar complex is a key target for terrorists who wish to bring their pagan ways to our town and try to Sydneyfy it! We don't want Maitland to be Sydneyfied like Morpeth. Our security consultant, Major Bob N Down, produced a 3 page report from his 5 year study of our premises and as a result we are implementing his suggestions including the hiring of his family from Sicily to oversee future security.

Pastor Ron Devon speaks to Christian Business Community

Pastor Ron Devon , ex-banker, ex-financer and ex-CEO of the failed Become a Billionaire Real Quick empire has converted and become anointed to preach for the Lord in his new Become a Christian Billionaire Real Quick For Jesus empire. At the recent Christian Businessman's Breakfast Communion Service held at Wyrst Pentacostal Church Pastor Ron gave his testimony and spoke about making money for the Lord and avoiding detection by those evil secular humanist regulators. Those interested in this profitable minastry can sign up for his 3 day seminar which will be held in August. For a mere $39,579.35 per day you could be earning billions through the secrets of success that Pastor Ron will give you. Book at the Church Office. 1% discount available with the coupon from this weekend's Waitland Muckery.

Pente Polly in Rehab

Pente Polly, Pastor Dale K Whangke's pet parrot, has been admitted to rehab. It can now be revealed that the parrot was tutored in unsavoury four-letter words by the very people Pastor Dale has been witnessing to. Whereas Pente Polly used to greet people entering Pastor Dale's mansion with "Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Glory to God! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!" she changed her vocabulary to "Get f****ed you c*** sucking mother f*****! Hey, s*** for brains, pull your head out of your a****! What the f**** would Jesus do? I'll f****** 'expletive deleted' you ,you c*** ! F*** off!" and a variety of other obscenities. Pente Polly was also fed a variety of drugs and alcohol and quickly became a drug addict and alcoholic. "We had no choice but to place Pente Polly into our Rehab & Excorcism Centre. She recently began dive-bombing parishioners and pooping on their heads," said Pastor Dale. A special Excorcism & Prayer Meeting for Pente Polly will be held next Thursday in the church auditorium by the Rehab & Excorcism Centre Ministry Team. Members who are attending are required to wear the Christian Protective Suit of Armour available at our Church Biblestore for $399.25.