As part of our evangelisation of the pagans in Maitland Wyrst Pentacostal Church has opened its doors to those frequenting the Hunter River near the Lorn Bridge. This evangelical arm of our church specialises in baptisms. This is the awesome anointed place to be this Summer in Maitland!
Wednesday
Ministry On The Hunter River
As part of our evangelisation of the pagans in Maitland Wyrst Pentacostal Church has opened its doors to those frequenting the Hunter River near the Lorn Bridge. This evangelical arm of our church specialises in baptisms. This is the awesome anointed place to be this Summer in Maitland!HSC Graduate
Creation science student, Tony Juan, showed his joy in receiving his HSC results by witnessing to others about what he has learnt in his creation science classes at our Christian School. Tony may have come in the lowest percentile but he loves the Lord.
How To Use The Bible
Pastor Dale K. Whangke gave a thrilling anointed sermoan for the Women's Breakfast Club about how to use the bible. Above is a page from our own Pastor Dale K. Whangke's bible and how the verses apply to every part of his life. He is surely a great blessing to our church!Our Christian Ferris Wheel a hit!
Some visiting Missionaries from the USA were the first to try out our new Christian Ferris Wheel this week. In appreciation they staged a light show complete with burning crosses for our Youth Outreach. Our Christian Ferris Wheel is a minastry open to public from Monday to Friday at a cost of $10.00 per ride. On a clear day you can see right over Maitland to Horseshoe Bend.New Christmas cards at out Biblestore
Our Biblestore has a new range of Chritmas cards that will help you witness to your unsaved evilooshunist relatives and neighbours over the Christmas period. 5% discount for all orders above 1000.New Parking Attendant
Our church car park has a new Parking Attendant, sister Myrtle Houn. As a result of her inclusion on the minastry team the fees for parking in our church car park will rise from $7.00 to $9.50 per hour from this Sunday.Friday
Annual Media Audit
Wyrst Pentacostal Church Elders will again be doing their Annual Media Audit of all member's households to ensure that no evil, secular humanist material is available in your homes over the Christmas season. All offending material will be ceased and burnt at our Christmas bonfire. If you are unsure about what materials you may view or own then our 9 volume "Unsuitable Material For Wyrst Pentacostal Church Members Manual" is available at our Biblestore. A must for all true Christian households! Be sure to allowe our Elders into your home or you will face instantaneous excommunication. This minastry has been approved by Pastor Dale K. Whangke.New Clippy Software For Christians
New Clippy Software is available for your computer. Make sure you only use true Christian software available at our Biblestore. 10% discount for all triple tithers with a coupon from this week's Waitland Muckery.Dr Bob Hoff speaking about Christian Apologetics
Dr Bob Hoff will address the Christian Men's Breakfast Club about Christian Apologetics this Monday. Dr Bob is Professor of New Testament Acrobatics at Attic Universutty, Texas. Make sure you book at the Church Office and put your order in for cornflakes, porridge or mush.Monday
More Cartoon Alerts From The Christian Right Majority Elite
This will be fully expounded in the next sermoan by Pastor Dale K. Whangke this Sunday!Tongues-English Dictionary
All new members are advised to use the Tongues-English Dictionary which is fully endorsed by Wysrt Pentacostal Church and available at our BibleStoreSaturday
Our Work For The Dole Scheme
Our Church Treasurer has helped get us into the lucrative Work For The Dole progrom where we help dole bludgers do decent work in return for the government giving us lots of money. Wyrst Pentacostal Church's Gas Works is the first to benefit from this scam .. er ... scheme. Our Work For The Dole participants are also given new unforms with a yellow star on them for identification purposes. This ministry is very profitable and we should be able to process many people in the Wyrst Pentacostal Church's Unemployment Solution. Our latest participants from the finance sector are finally finding out what it is like to do a decent day's work. To dob in ... er ... nominate a person for this ministry, please place their name at the Church Office. You can remain completely anonymous as usual.Wednesday
Luke 4:16 -30
Then Jesus went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the sabbath he went as usual to the synagogue. He stood up and said "Here I am! It's me! God! I'm here to be worshipped! Let's sing a Jesus Jingle to me! Hallelume! Praise me! "All the people in the synagogue were suitably impressed with Jesus and invited him into their hearts as their own personal Jesus, someone to hear their prayers, someone who cares. And Jesus said "Go out and make all men ... and women ... fundamentalists. Those that don't convert to fundamentalism you must call hereticks, launch a Fundamentalist Inquisition and burn them at the stake ... in Jesus' name ... in true Christian love. "Luke 4:16 -30 (Fundy Version)
Monday
Lamb Chops at $5.00 a kg
Lamb Chops are now $5.00 a kg at "Lamb Of God Butchers" which supplies Wyrst Pentacostal Church with all its BBQ needs and tithe of all its sales. Get a free lamb chop when you present a voucher from this Friday's Waitland Muckery.Volunteers Required For New Ministry
Wyrst Pentacostal Church wishes to start a new ministry as Beach Costume Inspector at Nobby's Beach in Newcastle in order to protect our country from falling moral standards. Please fill in the application form at the church office if you are interested in this vital ministry. Full training will be given Pastor D. Tweedle.New Addition To Our Zoo
Wyrst Pentacostal Church has an new exhibit in our Intelligent Design Zoo. Bring the kiddies along for half-price next weekend.Reminder to all Staff
You will need to update your "True Christian First Aid Ministry" qualifications by the end of each year. The course is now run over two days with the "Healing by prayer" component on Day 1 and the "Healing by Exorcism" component on Day 2. Cost for the annual update remains at $500 per person. Please book at the Church Office.
Bible Bingo
Kiddies can now play Bible Bingo during the sermoan but only if it has been purchased from our Biblestore.REMINDER: TITHING
The Lord loves a Christian who triple tithes and brings a third of his gross wage into the Church Bank Account. Wyrst Pentacostal Church's Phase 1 for this week's tithes is $1,400,000.
Bible Prophecy Explained
Pastor Dale K. Whangke will be presenting a new series of sermoans on "Bible Prophecy Explained"over the next month. It will give conclusive bible proof that:- Australia has gone over to the dark side
- Kevin Rudd is of the devil
- Obama is the anti-Christ
- You should give more money to the Wyrst Pentacostal Church Fund For Hastening Armageddon
One Way Statue
Our church grounds have been beautified by a statue in pure gold of the One Way sign by Christian sculptor Bruce McFarland. The One Way Statue won the prestigious Maggie Slivver OM Award For True Christian Art, 2008. Bruce said the statue is a symbol of the One Way sign that is given to him by many wonderful Christian drivers on the roads around Maitland. "They also toot their horns in praise to Jesus," said Bruce, who insists on driving below 30km on any road in order to be safe. You can view the statue at any time for a small love offering of $10.
Wednesday
Pastor Ted Bucket - "Obama is the Anti-Christ"
Pastor Ted Bucket will be speaking at this Sunday's morning service on "Obama is the Anti-Christ". He will provide graphic detail on how the USA has gone over to the Dark Side by electing a black person instead of God's chosen right-winger, McCain's Frozen Dinners.Bring the whole family!
Any Wyrst Pentacostal Church member who does not bring the WHOLE family to every available church service or meeting will be fined $50 for each family member missing as of this Sunday.Stoning Prohibited!
Stoning is prohibited unless:1. The person being stoned is not a true Christian
2. The stones used are purchased from Wysrt Pentacostal Church Biblestore.
New Chapel
Our new outreach centre, the Dale K. Whangke Chapel, was opened in Rutherford last Sunday by Rev. Ted Bucket.Sunday
SIGN FROM THE LORD!!!!
Some people mistook angels flying over our church as a flock of seagulls but Pastor Dale K. Whangke has had a special message from the Lord to say that ist is a actually a sign that he should get paid twice his stipend starting from this week. The Church Board has heard the message from the Lord and acted swiftly!
Welcome to our new members!
Welcome to our new church members, Doris and Laurel Wooton and their daughter Sally.Ticket To Heaven
* Offer is only for true Christians who are triple tithe members of Wyrst Pentacostal ChurchMEDICAL WARNING!
Don't let your children be deceived by Satan by imbibing this Devil's brew made by secuar humnanist evilushunists!!!!
New Bible Belt
Buy a Bible Belt at out Biblestore and receive a FREE JESUS JUICE BOTTLE that will fit into your Bible!
Monday
Buy Bibles for the troops!
Buy a Bible for each member of the troops. Available from our Biblestore. 3% discount with a Waitland Muckery coupon.Saturday
Recent responses to Wyrst Pentacostal Church
"Awesome! Awesome! Totally awesome!"
"I could feel the anointing."
"Everything I wanted to hear."
"Truly biblical."
"Praise the Lord!"
"Where's the Gents?"
New medication by Creationist Doctors!
Creationist Doctors from the Wyrst Pentacostal Church Medical Minastry have a new product that will cure all your ailments. Imported from the USA. Available now at our Creationist Chemist.Friday
Cosmology Classes For All!
Our Creation Scientists are presenting a series of informative lectures on cosmology from a biblical perspective each Friday Night from &:30 10:30 pm in the Fred Nile Auditorium. Everyone is urged to attend. Bring along an unsaved evilooshunist.New poster at our Biblestore!
Biblestore patrons are now able to purchase a Jesus Poster for their secular humanist acquaintances who are Superman fans. Supplies are limited. Buy one now!True Christian Golf Minastry
Deacon Wayne Slugg has started our very own True Christian Golf Minastry. These Jesus Golf Balls are substituted for any ball that a golfer hits off the fairway. The member of the ministry then throws the Jesus Golf Ball onto the green. A great way to witness for the Lord!Picture Of Baby Jesus
Our creation scientists have been able to get a picture of baby Jesus while he was 7 weeks old in Mary's womb. Even at this stage he was holding everything together as Colossians 1:17 says "in (or by) Him (Jesus) all things hold together."
Bible launched into space!
Wyrst Pentacostal Church is the very first church in the world to launch a bible into space. Our bible satellite will be able to beam bible verses to the whole world 24 /7 for small fee.
Thursday
Decorate the tree in your yard
Decorate the tree in your yard with a huge plastic glow in the dark Jesus to show your neighbours that you are a true Christian. This life-like Jesus is four times the size of a normal person and comes complete with a movement sensor sound system that repeats the cries of anguish from the cross in 400 watt stereo as Jesus dies in agony. Awesome! Order today from our Biblestore.Who To Vote For In The Local Council Elections
Wyrst Pentacostal Church only endorses this right-wing conservative true Christian Party. Party includes free Jesus Paper Hats. You can also rent this party through the Church Secretry at our office. Pastor Dale K. Whangke is a member of the clown troupe. Ask for it by name .....
Come, join us at the Lord's table!*
* Actual Communion / Lord's Supper / Eucharist "meal" may be different than pictured and consist of a small dry piece of bread and a plastic thimble of watered down grape juice. Offer only valid for true Christians. Contains artificial preservatives and nuts. Plastic thimbles must be returned after use.
